Tuesday, 21 April 2015

I AM a Writer.

I'm a writer. Or that's what I said for years when I was working: teaching creative writing, publishing books, getting my own work published, giving readings and workshops. 

Then we moved to Finland, I had my 3rd child and found I had less and less time and energy for creativity. For writing. I was trying to learn the language (still haven't really), get our family settled in. It was only supposed to be for a year or two. Not a long break, I could keep writing and then get back to my career without too many people forgetting me. Or so I thought.

It's now been 5 years. I long ago took my name off the writers' register back home which helped get me some work. I don't know the names in Scottish writing any more, where's in to get published. What bothers me most of all is that I have struggled to keep writing: in my journals and my unpublished, in need of editing novels and with my poetry. 

I never thought I have problems writing. It was an obsession most of my life. I had to write, I always had something to say, even if I really said nothing. I wrote pages and pages of practice, just to put words on pages, just to keep limber. I started going weeks, months without writing. 

I'm trying to get back into it. Sending out finished poems and samples of my novels for publication. Trying every day to open that file I call 'Roughs' where I put random lines, unfinished pieces, salvaged writing. I need to stash my notebook and pen in my bag again. I'm trying to finish a few larger projects I started, but ran out of energy for. I maybe need to get my writing group going again, but 2 of the 5 members have left the country. Maybe find another more established one. 

I've finished a few new poems. Starting to feel a bit of a buzz for it again. Nothing's getting accepted for publication, so maybe it's all crap, but I'll get it back. I'd like to get another collection published, but I'm not really in a position to promote it much, here in the cold end of Europe. 

We'll see, it only takes a handful of sleepless nights, a pile of appointments to sap my energy, but I'm trying to make a lot of little changes right now in my life. Hoping this one sticks. I need it to, to feel myself again.